Great to have you here! Please, join our discussion, but first make sure you have read the rules on the front page. Below you’ll find a reflection of a mother who shared it with me. I have her permission to put the question on the blog. I put it as I remebered it so my English may be faulty.
“My oldest son keeps getting all these pictures on his cell phone from girls. My husband and I, we feel so helpless in our desire to protect our sons from wrong influences. Sometimes, as we look at the clothes of the girls who come to the Teen Mass, I have an urge to come up to them and ask them what they actually expect from my sons. How can they develop to responsible young men if they are teased like that even during Mass. I feel angry with the parents of such girls and with the priests in the parish who never say a word.” Lisa from Florida
Dear Father Pawel,
I have two teenage sons active in our Southern California parish LIFETEEN program. Light apparel is commonly worn, especially in the hotter summer months. How do I encourage my sons to stay chaste and pure, when teenage girls dress immodest at Mass or church?
By: Mary Egan on February 2, 2008
at 5:51 am
Dear Mary,
LIFETEEN is a totally awesome program!
LIFETEEN parishes usually gather the teens after the Sunday evening liturgy to talk about stuff that matters most to Catholic high school students. Encourage your LIFETEEN youth minister to plan a night on ‘Chastity’.
I have been a youth minister and suggest that it would be best to separate the guys from the gals and address the topic apart from the opposite sex ,where stuggles can be shared openly and honesty, and truth and trust can be received.
I will pray for your sons. Tell them to ‘fight the good fight’.
Your Brother in Christ,
Eddie
By: Eddie Allen on February 2, 2008
at 6:08 am
I was wondering if any other parents or Father Pawel have heard of a CD christian youth series called, “Passport to Purity” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey from http://www.familylife.com; I have hear that it has been used by some churches to help parents in preparing their adolescent son or daughter for peer pressure and sexualty with a christian perspective? Is it possible to use something like this, with the “Theology of the Body” teachings of John Paul II to prepare our teens with sound Catholic truths about sexuality and intimacy?
By: Thomas Pole on February 2, 2008
at 7:08 am
Dear Father Pawel,
My wife, Genine and I understand the challenges of teaching chastity, as we have a college age son, a teenage son, a daughter entering junior high, and an elementary age daughter.
I hope my sons and daughters are learning chastity at home.
As a father, I believe this happens when:
1. I compliment my wife and each of my daughters, not only for their exterior physical beauty and looks, but for their interior beauty or virtues and who each of them are as a person.
2. I ‘date’ my wife and daughters to show how a man should treat them, with dignity and respect.
3. My wife and I show how to choose and relate as brothers and sisters in Christ, by relating with our closest friends who are other Catholic men and women.
4. My wife and I hug and kiss our children, no matter their age, depositing physical affection into throughout their lives, so they are not desparately seeking it elsewhere.
5. I affirm my sons for their internal strength of character for right choices they make, and encourage them to perserve, emotionally supporting them when life is difficult.
6. Our family avoids viewing television or movies, computer internet sites, and listening to music that would not be considered chaste or degrading to women.
7. Our family avoids use of foul language or negative and sarcastic humor.
8. Our family verbally praises and expresses thanks to God and to one another.
9. Our family asks for and offers forgiveness when someone has been hurt.
10. I bless each of my children with the sign of the cross on their foreheads before they sleep each and every night, ask for the angels to guard them, pray for the bride of Christ and for their mother, whoever their spouse may be, and that “we” would have the grace to remain pure.
We are not a perfect family. We are just trying to live our faith in our every day life. Please, pray for us that we do not give up hope as parents.
Thanks for the truth and courage of your writings, and the gift of this blog to Catholic parents.
Ted
By: Ted Telepak on February 2, 2008
at 6:16 pm
Unfortunately our male culture has told young women that we want them to dress sexy to get our attention. So the message to be modest needs to come from men, young men. I suggest you encourage your sons to be courageous and politely go up to the young woman and say “I need to tell you that the way you are dressed is distracting to me, and you would be just as attractive, in fact more attractive, if you would show less skin.”
By: Andrew on February 3, 2008
at 1:32 am
Andrew, I agree in general. However I disagree partially with 1) “culture” and mostly with 2) your practical advice.
1) I do not like hearing that it is the culture’s fault. It makes us look like helpless victims. We co-shape our cultures. There is some space in it within which we can make decisions. We cannot give it so easily up to some “culture”.
2) We – adults – should speak up first. We cannot shift it on a boy. We can, however, model protesting and train him in doing the same. It takes more effort than telling him to “go up to her and say” And before that – does he understand at all why we do not like this attire?
By: Fr. Pawel on February 3, 2008
at 5:43 am
Ted, I would like to say thank you so much for the courage to share with us. I like so much your 10 points. May God bless you and your family.
By: Fr. Pawel on February 3, 2008
at 5:46 am
Thank you Fr. Pawel for your comments. I know we create our culture and I didn’t mean to imply that we are not responsible for it because we are. My point is that we need to train our young men in the ways of purity because any messages coming from them to young women are far more effective than the comments coming from the “older generation.” I actually know of a young man who did make a comment to a young woman at mass and it changed how she dressed.
By: Andrew on February 3, 2008
at 5:23 pm
I think positive peer pressure can be used. s who are dressing modestly can encourage those who are not. I was at a “Mothers of Teens” meeting last week where appearance was the topic and the leaders 17 year old daughter spoke to us moms on how to help our daughters “layer” their clothing so that they can still feel stylish, yet be modest at the same time. She also said when this issue came up in her church, their youth director addressed the s as a group apart from the boys to encourage them to dress more modestly. She also said when she challenged a friend who was dressed immodestly the friend’s reply was “Help me” so a group of s helped her figure out how she could present herself as a Christian teen more appropriately.
By: Jenny on February 4, 2008
at 7:51 pm
Andrew, now I understand better and now I agree. I just do not like hearing how we whine and blame others if we can do at least something. I still think, however, that we, adults, should know first how we would like to support boys in them passing the message on to girls.
By: Fr. Pawel on February 4, 2008
at 11:22 pm
Jenny, this Moms’ meeting sounds fascinating. Can we try doing this here? By “doing” I mean “doing” and not “telling others that they should do this”?
By: Fr. Pawel on February 4, 2008
at 11:23 pm
The MOTs group I attend is in a home about 5 miles east of St. Tim’s. (630 W. Elliot Rd. Gilbert)Anyone is welcome. Most mom’s have teens or preteens. We meet tuesday mornings from 9:30-11:30. Todays topics are “Unresolved anger” and “The Tongue”. There is also a Monday night POTs group at the same location for parents who can attend together. This is an interdenominational group. The leader is moving this summer so my neighbor & I will be facilitating a group together out of our home in the Fall. The morning group for this current session will continue through the first Tuesday in March. We will be discussing the “Passport to Purity” Program (Ted mentioned in an earlier comment) next Tuesday.
By: Jenny on February 5, 2008
at 4:03 pm
Jenny, thanks for letting us know. I hope other parents will contact you if they are interested.
By: Fr. Pawel on February 6, 2008
at 4:36 am
I think women could do better to be a role in how they (we) dress as well. Also, sometimes a gentle word from an woman is better received than from the teens mom. I am blessed to have several women in my teen age daughter’s life who can speak the truth to her and have her receive it well. (Former babysitters, neighbors, a coach, etc) If we see a friends daughter struggling in this area I think we should pray about whether or not God would want us to approach the teen (or her mom) to offer a “gentle word”. I am not saying it is not the parents job to guide and set boundaries on how thier teens dress, I am just saying that it doesn’t hurt to have others your daughter may look up to and respect giving the same advice. Sometimes it is just better received coming from someone else.
By: Rita on February 6, 2008
at 8:59 pm
Thank you for having this blog. I have learn alot with just the few notes written and even envious of Ted and his family!! What a great example he is to his family and the respects that he shows them and our Lord. Hopefully we can learn how to make some changes in our family with his examples. I hope St. Timothys isnt to over whelming for you. Thank you for being here. :>
By: Sharon on February 6, 2008
at 10:37 pm
Dear Rita, thank you for saying this. I agree wholeheartedly. Priests, men and women – we all have a task here, tasks that we cannot shift uopn others. Thanks for recognizing that other women also play a role in the development of your daughter. I like this African saying: It takes a village to raise a child. It is not solely your job, not solely mine. It is us who do it.
By: Fr. Pawel on February 7, 2008
at 2:04 am
Sharon, thank you so much. It will not be overwhelming if many of us get together.
I admire Ted’s courage to share with us and I am thankful for the very valuable insights. Let us pray for him and his family that they can withstand trials.
By: Fr. Pawel on February 7, 2008
at 2:05 am
I would like to say, as a mother of a son who is now 20 yrs. old and off at a catholic college I experienced first hand finding him reading a porno site while in High School I thought I was safe because I homeschooled, but wasn’t. We addressed the problem, he was open for help and was actually glad he “got caught” so he said later. Before he went off to college we placed a no porno filter on his laptop, which is something he wanted to do! I am grateful for the grace to approach him, help him and the cont. grace to support him in avoiding these temptations.
By: hsmom on February 12, 2008
at 9:01 pm